Reality and the Mirror

Reality and the Mirror

I find myself feeling frustrated and desperately irritated at the way my body's energy levels fluctuate so much, and that I'm at the whim of my immune system as to whether I'm going to have a functional day or not. I'm frustrated, because I WANT to do more! I WANT to go camping!!! Oh, how I long to be in nature. But I can't! Not this weekend at least! 

I wanted to go with my older sister on her move to Colorado. But I couldn't, because something said "NO! You are not going to go, I won't let you!!!"

"Who are you, that I may face my enemy by name!" I say loudly, but with a quiver in my voice, as I gird myself up to face my enemy, picking my helmet up and unsheathing my sword.

"Turn around and see!" the voice sneers.

I turn, and see... my sword falls from my hands. I am stunned. Before me is a mirror, with me in the reflection. But, it is not me. I see someone thin and haggard, battered and bruised, weak and weary, stooping as if carrying an unseen burden. But there is no denying that it is me. "Wha...what does this mean?" I hesitate, not knowing if I want to know the answer.

"I am you. You as you really are. What you think you are is a facade. An act put on for others and yourself, to try to fool them into thinking you are something you are not. This is you, and this is what prevents you from going." 

How do I make myself be satisfied with the little I can do?!?! I know I'm doing all that I can, but the dishes pile up, and the floor needs vacuuming, and I haven't put laundry away in forever! Not to mention, I hear the calling of the trees, the want to be in nature, to sit in the sun beams, to feel the warmth on my back and the breeze tossing my hair, to listen to the cardinals and robins singing and the squirrels fussing. But the strength leaves me the second I think about going out. My arms grow weak, my legs get shaky, and I give up on the idea.

I feel myself on the slippery slope to the cavern of the multi-headed monster Depression! But, I'm too tired to climb out of this hell-hole! All around me is negativity, blame, hatred, hurt, pain, tears, havoc. I look up, and I see the world I came from, full of hope, determination to fight, feelings of contentedness and pride, not of despair and hopelessness that accompany me now. But what I see up there. Is it real? Or is it a facade I put on, like my reflection in the mirror. I don't know. I'm tired of it. Just so tired.