Reality and the Mirror

Reality and the Mirror

I find myself feeling frustrated and desperately irritated at the way my body's energy levels fluctuate so much, and that I'm at the whim of my immune system as to whether I'm going to have a functional day or not. I'm frustrated, because I WANT to do more! I WANT to go camping!!! Oh, how I long to be in nature. But I can't! Not this weekend at least! 

I wanted to go with my older sister on her move to Colorado. But I couldn't, because something said "NO! You are not going to go, I won't let you!!!"

"Who are you, that I may face my enemy by name!" I say loudly, but with a quiver in my voice, as I gird myself up to face my enemy, picking my helmet up and unsheathing my sword.

"Turn around and see!" the voice sneers.

I turn, and see... my sword falls from my hands. I am stunned. Before me is a mirror, with me in the reflection. But, it is not me. I see someone thin and haggard, battered and bruised, weak and weary, stooping as if carrying an unseen burden. But there is no denying that it is me. "Wha...what does this mean?" I hesitate, not knowing if I want to know the answer.

"I am you. You as you really are. What you think you are is a facade. An act put on for others and yourself, to try to fool them into thinking you are something you are not. This is you, and this is what prevents you from going." 

How do I make myself be satisfied with the little I can do?!?! I know I'm doing all that I can, but the dishes pile up, and the floor needs vacuuming, and I haven't put laundry away in forever! Not to mention, I hear the calling of the trees, the want to be in nature, to sit in the sun beams, to feel the warmth on my back and the breeze tossing my hair, to listen to the cardinals and robins singing and the squirrels fussing. But the strength leaves me the second I think about going out. My arms grow weak, my legs get shaky, and I give up on the idea.

I feel myself on the slippery slope to the cavern of the multi-headed monster Depression! But, I'm too tired to climb out of this hell-hole! All around me is negativity, blame, hatred, hurt, pain, tears, havoc. I look up, and I see the world I came from, full of hope, determination to fight, feelings of contentedness and pride, not of despair and hopelessness that accompany me now. But what I see up there. Is it real? Or is it a facade I put on, like my reflection in the mirror. I don't know. I'm tired of it. Just so tired.

Helpful B’s

Helpful B’s

As my doctors searched for solutions in the Western medicine way, I started looking at alternative therapies, mostly with supplements and chiropractic care. One of my earliest discoveries was in supplement form. Today, I don’t remember where I had first heard that certain vitamins could help health conditions. My adolescence also included a driven quest for knowledge (which is also know as being a nerd) I had read somewhere that certain vitamins, specifically the B vitamins, can help with nerve health. The B’s are a group of water soluble vitamins that, while being chemically distinct, tend to appear in the same sources (food), and are essential for energy metabolism in cells and promote healthy nerve function. They are: Vitamin B1 (thiamine), Vitamin B2 (riboflavin), Vitamin B3 (niacin or nicotinic acid), Vitamin B5 (Pantothenic acid), Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine, pyridoxal, pyridoxamine), Vitamin B7 (biotin), Vitamin B9 (folic acid), Vitamin B12 (various cobalamins; commonly cyanocobalamin or methylcobalamin in vitamin supplements) Interestingly, the cause for the gaps in the numbering of the B’s is due to other related nutrients that were once thought to be vitamins, but are now classified differently. source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B_vitamins

My sister and I read what we could, and went to the store. We happened upon a “super” B-complex, which contained higher-than-average levels of most B vitamins. Since B vitamins are water soluble (meaning your body easily rids itself of excess vitamins through urine, as long as the kidneys are healthy), taking higher doses typically is OK. There are some B’s that you can overdose on, but all the levels in a complex are lower than the maximum. There is very little scientific evidence that supplementing B vitamins is beneficial, but there is plenty of testimony. I brought up the idea of taking the vitamins to my doctor, and she pretty much said, “It may not help, but it won’t hurt you, either.” So, I decided to give it a try.

The first thing I noticed was the energy boost I got shortly after taking the vitamin. If nothing else, I was thankful for the energy, and there was no crash, like caffeine gives you. However, over the course of a couple weeks, I noticed that, while I still had headaches and migraines, my thinking became clearer, and the pain wasn’t as intense. Also, my nerves felt calmer. It’s hard to explain, but for as long as I can remember, I have always felt that my nerves were “over-charged” and felt like they were “static-y” and I’d get the feeling I was getting internal static electricity zaps. I don’t even know if that makes sense. But the B’s seemed to turn the voltage down, and reduced the shocks, which was a welcome change. Since the B’s help with energy production, you may notice a burst of energy shortly after taking them. So, I advise the B’s be taken with breakfast or lunch, and avoid taking them close to bedtime. 

The only side effects I noticed was stomach irritation if taken on an empty stomach, and bright yellow urine (which a doctor has since told me is the food coloring put into the supplement). This was a pretty uniform experience with the different brands I’ve tried over the years. However, B supplements are not created equally. Most compressed tablets are not fully broken down in the digestive tract, and I have even noticed one brand passed through my GI tract whole. Spending a little extra and getting a “high potency” or “easily absorbed” type is well worth it. 

However, currently, I am finding myself unable to benefit from the helpful B’s, as my gastritis is in a bad flare. I am unable to take the B vitamins with out irritating my stomach, even if taken with food. But, I will not dismiss their benefits that I had received over the years. 

Also, you may have noticed that I use a variety of text and background colors. Straight black and white is too harsh on my eyes and make my migraines worse. I have been playing around with different color combos, trying to find ones that are easiest to read. 

Triptan Terrors

Triptan Terrors

My trial and error session with the triptans, as the group of new abortive migraine medications were called, was mostly error. Triptans were a relatively new class of drug at the end of the last century. They were designed to be taken at the first sign of a migraine and work by stopping the migraine before it took full force over the mind and body. They were powerful, promising drugs, and, to many migraine sufferers, a lifesaver. But, not for me. 

Just like most any other medication, powerful effects also meant the possibility of powerful side effects. And my side effects were not pretty. I was allowed to take it only two days a week. Having to decide which day I wanted to try to get relief and feel better was hard, to say the least. I wanted to feel better everyday. Since the medications worked best when taken as early as possible, preferably during the prodrome, I had to figure out when a migraine was starting. This was difficult, as by then, my head pains ran all together in a muddled mess and there was difficulty in distinguishing where sinus pain ended and migraine pain began.

I found that after every dose I would take, I would get what I thought of as “neuralgia”, a term my sister had coined to describe the side effects we both experienced. I didn’t realize at the time that this was, indeed, a true medical term. She had just used the scientific words for nerve (neuro) and pain (algia), to describe the sensations we experienced. And, literally, my nerves hurt, well, the nerve endings. I felt on fire at times, other times breathing was painful, my finger tips and skin hurt. It got to the point by the third or fourth different drug I tried, Zomig (zolmitriptan), that my hair follicles would hurt, and a soft breeze teasing my locks would be excruciating. After a couple times of experiencing this with Zomig, my neurologist wrote off the mighty class of triptans, and continued to search elsewhere.

I began to feel discouraged, and my depression started to get ahold of me, negativity oozing from me and my thoughts constantly, a grip that I wouldn't be able to shake for over a decade. I was diagnosed at 16 with chronic depression, and have continued to fight the battle of negativity and apathy through the years, and continue to do so today. As a matter of fact, I am fighting the emotions right now. Being able to acknowledge the feelings, and allowing them to take their course while knowing what they are, and not taking them seriously helps minimize their effects on my mood. Still, the chronic pain wears me out, and when I'm tired, I am most vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed.